You Might Be a Zombie . . . by Cracked.com

Author:Cracked.com [Cracked.com]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781101478158
Publisher: Penguin Group (USA)
Published: 2010-12-28T08:00:00+00:00

FIVE FIGHT MOVES THAT ONLY WORK IN MOVIES

MOVIEGOERS understand that most of what they’re seeing in action flicks is bul shit: Buses won’t jump a sixty-yard gap in the highway, a fire hose is not a bungee cord, and Steven Seagal is a bigger threat to a Sizzler buffet than a gang of criminals. Objectively, our brains know that, and yet most real-world bar fights feature at least one guy trying out a move he saw in a martial arts film—and being subsequently shocked to learn he would have been better off casting an ass-kicking spel he’d found in the pages of a Harry Potter novel.

5. BEER BOTTLE OVER THE HEAD

For years, a beer bottle shattered over the head has been the visual shorthand for “this person got knocked unconscious.” But when real people really smack a real beer bottle over someone’s head, one of two things happens: (1) It doesn’t break and they are enraged, or (2) their head gets wet. If you’re lucky, you might open up a cut. If you’re unlucky, it will be on your hand. Otherwise the body attached to the head it broke against can go about the business of kicking your ass while still ful y conscious and, if anything, somewhat refreshed.

You don’t have to take our word for it: Thanks to YouTube and the contents of the beer bottles themselves, there are hundreds of easily accessible failed bottle-over-head experiments. And though each of the amateur scientists involved clearly has a soft skul , they all remain wildly undevastated by their bottle-breaking field work. No one’s saying try this at home, just trust that the mil ions of years evolution spent building a helmet for your brain trumps an empty Bud Light every time.

The rest of Road House though? One hundred percent accurate. It’s basical y a documentary.

4. THE TWIST WITH YOUR HANDS/LEGS NECK BREAK

Even if you do it really hard and your victim is a completely incidental guard outside the enemy’s base, coming up behind someone and cranking their head to the side doesn’t break their neck. You probably suspected this the first time your chiropractor did it to you and you didn’t wake up rol ing through heaven in a wheelchair. When the spine is given a choice between simply turning in the same direction as the neck or detaching from the head, it usually picks the first one.

But what if you leap up, wrap your legs around his head, and kind of twist? Surely something that awesome-looking has to be effective! well, no. And what’s worse, the mythical leg-scissors neck break actually squanders a golden opportunity to do some real damage. If you find yourself in a position to execute a leg-around-the-head move, modern jujitsu would recommend a tight triangle choke, thus matching the puny muscles of your opponent’s neck against your comparatively immense leg muscles. If you instead take your pointers from Jean-Claude Van Damme movies and just twist your hips awkwardly, you’l be astonished at how much your opponent doesn’t die.

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